I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My daughter is my love, but my son is my joy. I look at his face, and its impossible not to smile. Now please, don't get it twisted...I adore my daughter. She's brilliant and beautiful, and my first born. My son, however, is the coveted boy. My little man. And yet its hard for me to look at him without tears in my eyes.
Why? Because I am tormented by visions of his future. A future where he bucks the system because he didn't have a father. A future where he finds answers in friends because he didn't have a man to ask questions of. A future where my heart breaks because he doesn't live up to the potential that God poured into him at birth.
I don't say this because I have no hope, or because I believe that all black men fall victim to their circumstances. I say this because I know that as a mother, no matter how much I love my son, no matter what I teach him, I CANNOT TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A MAN. I can only teach him what type of man NOT to be. His father is a joke. Refuses to pay child support, generally only pops up about every 90-120 days, and even then, his reasons are not genuine. No job, still out there trying to street hustle, and way too worried about being flyy to care about the condition of his children. My son can learn nothing from this man.
I try to turn to the men in my congregation, my frat brothers, or my really good male friends, but at the end of the day, everyone has a life of their own that they need to worry about. It's no offense against me, I know, but it doesn't provide me with a solution to my problem. So what do I do? How do I raise this prince to become a King? How do foster in him the skills needed to survive in this world? How do I instill in him the morals and values needed to be the master of his fate? "Out of the night that covers me, black as a pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul..." How do I make him see the Invictus of his future?
I don't have that answer, and it scares me to death. I've seen my 2 younger brothers fall by the wayside because they didn't have the proper direction. I've seen the little boys in the neighborhood run to what was familiar because no one took the time to show them something different. I've seen drugs, and violence, and despair turn good, honest boys into feared and hardened criminals. I don't want that for my son. I don't want him to grow up bitter, or with a void. I don't want to lose him...
And my daughter? Oh God, I don't want her to grow up looking for a daddy in every man she dated like I did. I don't want her to fall for every guy that even remotely shows her some attention. I don't want her to believe that the way to happiness is through a man. But I can only teach her so much. I don't know how to give her the answers that I'm still learning myself. I made that mistake. I searched for a daddy in every man. I needed a man to feel validated, even if he was the wrong man (and he always was). I'm learning now, but look how long it took me to get here. I don't want that for my baby. I want better for her. I want better for him.
Somebody please tell me what I need to do...
2 comments:
Wow, I am NOT a parent. I seriously am not in a position to offer parental advisory on rearing...yet my heart wants to help. *I'm a sap* LOL I can only offer a sense of support.
All I know, sister...is that there ARE success stories for single mothers. You are a step ahead of the game for even having these concerns. Your fears may be part of the solution. I say, if there are extra curricular activities available when he's old enough to be pulled to the streets...put him in them. Find a mentoring program. Continue doing the best from your heart and giving them over to God in the process. With blessings and faith, they may actually have the spirit and personalities to not even WANT that street life or any by product of it. Lead by example because that helps. I know that I learned what to do and what NOT to do by watching my mother. If they see you do it, they will emulate...or resent. I think kids need to also know that the reason dad isn't around isn't because of ANYTHING they did. DAD has issues that he needs to work on and still loves them. I know your heart will break every time theirs does when it concerns him...but, I have a feeling that with a strong and intelligent woman as their mom...they're gonna be ok.
Thank you so much elegant. I know those things, but it still gets hard sometimes, and its scary all of the time. They know that I love them, but I also realize that my love is not enoughg. Regina Belle wrote a song about it, and I couldn't have said it better myself. "If I Could"
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