Birth Patterns

Take a moment and consider your birth pattern. What was going on when you were born? What were the circumstances of your birth? How have those circumstances shaped who you are today? Never really thought about it? Well I have...

My mother was a 15 year old daughter of the pastor and the evangelist. My father was the 17 year old son of a lesbian and wife beater. Suffice it to say, my maternal grandparents were none to happy. It was told that my grandmother lifted my mom up by her neck when she told her she was pregnant...I would have had the same reaction.

Long story short, I was not born into a warm, peaceful, or fuzzy environment. As a result, my life hasn't been warm, peaceful, or fuzzy either. Raised by my grandmother, I have always felt left behind. I've been molested, raped, physically abused, domestically abused... and most of that before I reached double digits. I am now divorced, with 2 children, and trying to figure out what the hell happened.

I'll tell you what happened. I spent countless cycles caught up in my birth pattern. Subconsciously, its all that I know. Hurt, Anger, Despair, Distress, Confusion, Violence, Rejection, Alcoholism, Sex, Drugs...its stamped in my DNA. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. I sought after what was most familiar to me. And now I spend the majority of my time trying to erase those patterns, trying to break the chains that have bound me since BEFORE I took my first breath. Trying to prove the theories and ideologies wrong. And I tell, you, I haven't done a good job.

I wanted so badly to create the family life that I never had. I wanted the picket fence and the shuttered windows. I ended up with an iron gate and broken glass. But there is hope. It is my new mission in life to correct this pattern for my children. They have started out wrong, but I believe I can turn it around for them. I believe I can create a new pattern, and emerse them in it. I believe that although I may not be able to correct the birth pattern that they swam in, I can re-direct the flow of the water.

It's hard being single, and a mother, and the sole provider. It's hard being smart, and opinionated and independent. It's even harder knowing that you need something more, but not knowing what it is exactly or where to begin the search...but I do know that I rode in on a boat with a hole in it, and I've spent my entire life trying to plug the hole.

Wow...