The Signs

I hope that people are taking heed to what's going on in the world today. The senseless tragedy involving the Hudson family; the plots to assassinate Senator Obama; the recent shootings at the college; the economic condition of our nation; the senseless war in Iraq; the families that have fallen apart due to infidelity, domestic violence, divorce, murder, sexual abuse...

I could on and on...and that's sad. We are living in the last days, and I pray that people have enough sense to see it. God is no longer playing, he never was. We better be making an effort to get it right, and quickly. Dead beat dads, cheating husbands, unfaithful wives, disobedient children, adulterers, sexual deviants, atheists...everybody!

If you're getting married, you better ask your mate,'do you love God more than me?'
If you're getting divorced, you better ask God, 'is this your will?'
If you're unsure, you better pray for faith and release from doubt
If you're searching, you'd better hurry up and find

Follow the signs...

The Plight of a Mother

I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My daughter is my love, but my son is my joy. I look at his face, and its impossible not to smile. Now please, don't get it twisted...I adore my daughter. She's brilliant and beautiful, and my first born. My son, however, is the coveted boy. My little man. And yet its hard for me to look at him without tears in my eyes.

Why? Because I am tormented by visions of his future. A future where he bucks the system because he didn't have a father. A future where he finds answers in friends because he didn't have a man to ask questions of. A future where my heart breaks because he doesn't live up to the potential that God poured into him at birth.

I don't say this because I have no hope, or because I believe that all black men fall victim to their circumstances. I say this because I know that as a mother, no matter how much I love my son, no matter what I teach him, I CANNOT TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A MAN. I can only teach him what type of man NOT to be. His father is a joke. Refuses to pay child support, generally only pops up about every 90-120 days, and even then, his reasons are not genuine. No job, still out there trying to street hustle, and way too worried about being flyy to care about the condition of his children. My son can learn nothing from this man.

I try to turn to the men in my congregation, my frat brothers, or my really good male friends, but at the end of the day, everyone has a life of their own that they need to worry about. It's no offense against me, I know, but it doesn't provide me with a solution to my problem. So what do I do? How do I raise this prince to become a King? How do foster in him the skills needed to survive in this world? How do I instill in him the morals and values needed to be the master of his fate? "Out of the night that covers me, black as a pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul..." How do I make him see the Invictus of his future?

I don't have that answer, and it scares me to death. I've seen my 2 younger brothers fall by the wayside because they didn't have the proper direction. I've seen the little boys in the neighborhood run to what was familiar because no one took the time to show them something different. I've seen drugs, and violence, and despair turn good, honest boys into feared and hardened criminals. I don't want that for my son. I don't want him to grow up bitter, or with a void. I don't want to lose him...

And my daughter? Oh God, I don't want her to grow up looking for a daddy in every man she dated like I did. I don't want her to fall for every guy that even remotely shows her some attention. I don't want her to believe that the way to happiness is through a man. But I can only teach her so much. I don't know how to give her the answers that I'm still learning myself. I made that mistake. I searched for a daddy in every man. I needed a man to feel validated, even if he was the wrong man (and he always was). I'm learning now, but look how long it took me to get here. I don't want that for my baby. I want better for her. I want better for him.

Somebody please tell me what I need to do...

Birth Patterns

Take a moment and consider your birth pattern. What was going on when you were born? What were the circumstances of your birth? How have those circumstances shaped who you are today? Never really thought about it? Well I have...

My mother was a 15 year old daughter of the pastor and the evangelist. My father was the 17 year old son of a lesbian and wife beater. Suffice it to say, my maternal grandparents were none to happy. It was told that my grandmother lifted my mom up by her neck when she told her she was pregnant...I would have had the same reaction.

Long story short, I was not born into a warm, peaceful, or fuzzy environment. As a result, my life hasn't been warm, peaceful, or fuzzy either. Raised by my grandmother, I have always felt left behind. I've been molested, raped, physically abused, domestically abused... and most of that before I reached double digits. I am now divorced, with 2 children, and trying to figure out what the hell happened.

I'll tell you what happened. I spent countless cycles caught up in my birth pattern. Subconsciously, its all that I know. Hurt, Anger, Despair, Distress, Confusion, Violence, Rejection, Alcoholism, Sex, Drugs...its stamped in my DNA. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. I sought after what was most familiar to me. And now I spend the majority of my time trying to erase those patterns, trying to break the chains that have bound me since BEFORE I took my first breath. Trying to prove the theories and ideologies wrong. And I tell, you, I haven't done a good job.

I wanted so badly to create the family life that I never had. I wanted the picket fence and the shuttered windows. I ended up with an iron gate and broken glass. But there is hope. It is my new mission in life to correct this pattern for my children. They have started out wrong, but I believe I can turn it around for them. I believe I can create a new pattern, and emerse them in it. I believe that although I may not be able to correct the birth pattern that they swam in, I can re-direct the flow of the water.

It's hard being single, and a mother, and the sole provider. It's hard being smart, and opinionated and independent. It's even harder knowing that you need something more, but not knowing what it is exactly or where to begin the search...but I do know that I rode in on a boat with a hole in it, and I've spent my entire life trying to plug the hole.

Wow...