IT IS SO!!

Life...

Never a dull moment. Every time I think I've made it over the biggest obstacle, something else knocks me off my feet. The devil is so busy, and I struggle daily not to let him win.

But Life...

I cry, I hurt, I yell, I scream, I cry...and then I cry some more. But now, I'm mad. And when I get mad, stuff happens. So I'm thinking, it's time for a change. It's time to do something different. It's time to stop being a victim. It's time to stop being a slave to my emotions. It's time to make a decision to do better, to live better, to love better, to ACHIEVE better.

I can no longer continue to allow myself to be just 'good' enough. I can no longer invent excuses for my lack of fortitude. Yes, life has been hard. Yes, I've made some stupid choices. Yes, I struggle daily. Yes, I'm not where I want to be in life, and I have no clue if I'll ever get there. But I have to try. I have to keep pressing. I have to increase my FAITH! I have to believe without DOUBT. I have to imagine the possibilities and believe that I can walk into them, fearless, faith-filled, and free.

My faith is weak now, but I know if I keep telling myself, if I can keep saying it, if I keep FORCING myself to believe in GOD, in His power within me, in myself and my abilities, then I CAN OVERCOME!

I'm putting this in the atmosphere because I want it to come back and find me. I am speaking into existence that which isn't as though it is, BECAUSE IT IS, IT IS SO! God didn't give me the spirit of fear, but of love, and a SOUND mind.

So as of today, I CHOOSE  to ask the Lord to endow me with that power, HIS power, HIS love, HIS strength, HIS spirit, so that I can move to the next phase of my life. So that I can become the woman that he created me to be. So that I can be the mother my children will always be proud of. So that I can help those who cross my path, blessed to be a blessing.

I DECREE it. I BELIEVE it. I RECEIVE it. RIGHT NOW! IN THE MIGHTY AND MATCHLESS NAME OF JESUS, MY CHRIST...AND IT IS SO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In Memorium

August is a difficult month for some in my family. In as much as it comes in beautifully with the celebration of the birth of my first born (August 1), it also carries the memories of several key members of our family that we have lost over the years.

Now I know that you are supposed to concentrate on the good, and my Granny even goes so far as to say that in death, there are no more birthdays, and this is true. But it is very hard to forget the imprint that has been made on your life by certain people. So this is my memorial.

August 8: The birthday of Mrs. Dorothy Mae Cornay, or Aunt Dot as we all called her. She was only about 4'9, but her presence was massive. Her heart was huge, and her temper was catastrophic if you happened to find yourself on the wrong side of her smile...lol. But she is the reason why I still write to this day. She is also the reason why I sing, why I ever started singing, and why I continued to sing, although for sometime after her death, I couldn't find my voice...it was just gone. She is the only person that ever gave me any professional vocal training. With her years of musical experience with the greats like Rev. James Cleveland, Rev. Mattie Moss Clark, and Rev. James Moore, she groomed us. She taught us with a fire that burned from within, and she was not satisfied unless we mastered every note, every syllable, every measure. Trust me, I've had many a shoe thrown at my head for doing it wrong! LOL. She was my musical inspiration. And she was my Dear Abby when I couldn't talk to Granny or Auntie. She yelled at me, and pinched me, and loved on me like no one else could. And to this day, I miss her something terrible. I still can't think of her without tears in my eyes, a lump in my throat, and pain in my heart. But I know she's an angel now, watching over me, still thumping me in the head when I hit the wrong note. I love you T Dot, and there will NEVER be another to take your place. You continue to inspire me to seek the best, to do the best, and to BE the best. I love you.

August 10: The birthday of Mr. A.B. Searcy III. Uncle A.B. Paralyzed playing football for Cass Tech at the age of 16, he was an anomoly. Although injured from the neck down, he went on to graduate from Cass with honors, and to graduate from Wayne State with honors. Not only did he graduate, but he also pledged Kappa Alpha Psi, from his chair, and yes...they PLEDGED him!! He played basketball, football, he drove, he worked...all from his chair. He lived alone, he cooked, he cleaned, he did laundry, and he matriculated around the city...all from his chair! He was teaching me Japanese and Spanish when I was four. Algebra and Trig. Checkers and Chess. He was outstanding. And he surpassed ALL the odds. It wasn't until he had a bad fall when I was in high school that he even slightly resembled a 'quad'. He never forgot a birthday or Christmas. He paid us for report cards, and fussed if grades were not to his standards.When I had children, he spoiled them even more than he spoiled me. (Much to my dismay! lol) He cherished ALL of his nieces and nephews, and because he never had children of his own, WE were his children, and he doted on us. He loved his mother, his brothers, and he spoiled his sister (my mother) to death. He was an awesome role model, and true MAN, in its pure definition. We lost him the day before Valentines Day, and he was definitely a lover. We loved him, we adored him, and we miss him still. Our hearts were broken at the loss, and the void will never be filled. But the memories will last a lifetime. One of the last things I heard him say was that he had lived a good life, and he had no regrets. He said it with tears running down his face, and I'm so glad that I got to hear that confession. He was priceless in our family, and we will never forget him. Your smile always made me laugh, and your encouragement meant the world to me. Thank you for being the Dad that I didn't have, the Uncle that I needed, and the man that you were. I love you.

August 24: The birthday of Mr. Charles Gorman Searcy. Uncle Charles. We lost you on Valentines Day, and that makes it doubly hard sometimes.You were the quiet one. The strong, silent type. I never knew what you were thinking. As a matter of fact, I spent years thinking you didn't even like me. You were the model husband and father. Working man, honored at your job, loving husband, father of 5. Minister and Son. Brother and Friend. I remember you couldn't see very well, wore glasses, and I used to laugh on Sunday mornings because you would pull your glasses up to read the bullentin, and to me, it was the funniest thing in the world. Your smile was beautiful, your spirit was quiet, and your voice? Well, it was evident that Aunt Dot threw a few shoes at you too! Lol! Before you had your daughters, I was like your daughter. I was at your house with you and your wife so much, I think I had my own room. I still joke to this day that I was your oldest daughter, that you used me for practice. But somehow, I was still a little frightened of you, still nervous that you didn't like me. Not because you were mean to me, you never were. I think it was because I'm SO vocal, and you were SO quiet. And it was hard for me to understand that at my age. But one day, you got a call. And the details of that call greatly disturbed you. Let's just say that after that day, after I saw your reaction to that call, after I saw your face, heard your voice, I KNEW that you not only liked me, but you LOVED me. I was your beloved neice. And NOBODY had the right to hurt me or disrespect me in ANY way. My heart flooded with relief. I remember wishing that your were my father. I remember swelling with love for you, and pride that I was in your family, gratefulness that I had you to protect me. You were a SILENT WARRIOR, and far as I'm concerned that's the best kind to have on your team. I look at your daughter's today, and I see pieces of you. I see parts of you that they'll never know. And that makes me sad. But knowing that you are inside of them. Knowing that they carry your strength, your honor, your beliefs...that encourages me. Knowing that you left pieces of you behind for us to love and share helps more than you know. It got her through it. And I want you to know that your children are beautiful, talented, brilliant, spiritual and grounded, just like you would want them to be. You did good. Your memory lives on through them, and you will never be forgotten. Thank you for leaving your imprint, and thanks for finally letting me know what I needed to know. I love you.

Me?? Barney Look-Alike? Really??

Wow, this seem like eons ago. Yet as I watch it, it makes me think. Not of course about the fact that Penelope (the period) decided to visit the same morning of the event and bloat my stomach to ungodly proportions. So of course I look like Barney the Flying Dinosaur Enhanced Elephant, in a dress that was probably already a little too small to begin with. (as you see, I'm trying to use my arm to hide my stomach, nope, didn't work...not at all!)

And not about the fact that some random person was in the background singing with me, and I use the term 'singing' very loosely. I'm SO glad that I couldn't hear him on stage, cuz I probably would've had a real time BLACK GIRL, from DETROIT, EAST SIDE moment.

And definitely not about the weave that I allowed my cousin to talk me into. And although she did a good job, I'm just not the weave-wearing, eye-lash sporting type (hence the locs in my head now, right?). So to me my head looks like scarecrow from the Wizard of Oz, mixed with a little Chaka, and drizzled with some '77 Diana on the top. (Although my makeup was flawless!)

No. What I think about is my face, my expression, my body language. My Eyes. I don't think I'm ever as happy as when I'm on stage somewhere. Whether its the hood bar on the corner, or the church on the hill. Whether it's r&b, gospel, or poetry. Whether it's a testimony to abused women, or a speech to young girls. I most happy, most effective, most MYSELF, when I am pouring, giving, releasing all that I am.

And I think that's the missing element. I don't do it enough. I've become a little to caught up in 'life'. But life for me is NOTHING if I can't be who I am, if I can't do what I do. If I'm not writing, or singing, or speaking, or performing. And although I'm always somewhere doing something, I need to be doing it on a much broader scale.

Is this a get rich petition. Nope. I do it for the love of the art, the love of the people, the healing of the soul...mine and theirs. I do it because God gave me a gift. I do it because I'm one of the blessed to be able to.

It Is Time...Stay Tuned...

The Dawn of Awakening

If you're like me, you have been up all night. I'll never forget the moment it became clear to me that our history is forever changed. I awoke to my phone ringing around 11:00 p.m., and answered it only to hear a voice screaming, "GET UP, IT'S OVER!! 297!! WAKE UP DAMMIT!!"

I couln't believe it. Apparently the electoral vote number shot from 220 to 297 in the blink of an eye. I was stunned. I was overwhelmed. I was overjoyed. My eyes were seeing it, but my brain couldn't process it. We had just elected Barack Hussein Obama as President of the United States.

I woke my children up. I called my grandmother. I called my parents. I talked to the man I love. Everyone was up in arms. All of my phones were ringing incessantly. Shouts of praise resonanted throughout the country. Prayers of thanks rose throughout the nation. It is indeed a marvelous day.

Now let's switch gears slightly. People, once this day is over, the work begins. Once this day is over, the truth overflows. Once this day is over, the negativity will reign 100-fold. Once this day is over, the seeds of doubt will be thrown on the earth. Once this day is over...

Standing for Obama does not mean that we will always agree with him. Standing for Obama does not mean that he owes us anything. Standing for Obama does not mean we should expect anything more than anyone else.

Standing for Obama means standing for CHANGE. And to effect change, you have to ruffle some feathers. To effect change you have to make the tough decisions. To effect change, you have to piss off the masses. Please take a note from the way President Obama ran his campaign. He did not make all of the popular choices. He did not succumb to the pressures around him. He did not conform to popular beliefs. He will run the White House in the same fashion. And we will have to stand for him no matter what.

Please Negroes, don't start with the '40 acres and a mule'. Please Negroes, don't start with the 'paint the White House black'. Please Negroes, don't start with the inter-office and inter-relational beefs. Please Negroes, don't start being cocky and ignorant. But as a fellow blogger stated, work on your individual self. Work on becoming a better you, so that President Obama can be proud. Work on ways that YOU can effect change in your surroundings. If all of us make that effort, then the President's job will be that much easier.

So bask in the glory of this moment. Shout to the mountain tops and sing to the hills. Teach your children the true meaning of this victory. Take today and enjoy it, you deserve it. But tomorrow...

PUT YOUR COMBAT BOOTS ON AND GET READY TO FIGHT!!!!!!!

KEEP CELEBRATING, AND START PRAYING...

2 Chronicles 7:14
If my people, which are called by my name, shall humble themselves, and pray, and seek my face, and turn from their wicked ways; then will I hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin, and will heal their land.

I called my 80 year old grandmother who was born in 1928 when I found out Obama had made history. The scripture above was all she said...

On The Eve of Awakening

We stand today in the midst of the most paramount place in history ever experienced by any being in this lifetime. Besides the birth, death, and resurrection of Christ, I cannot think of a more profound moment in time. I cast my vote with pride this morning, with my head held high, and my heart full of joy.

As I sit here with tears streaming down my eyes, I had no idea that I would be moved this much. I had no idea that I would think about my ancestors who were made slaves, and never even dreamed of this moment. I had no idea that I would think about Dr. King and his movement that marched for this moment. I had no idea that I would think about Malcolm X and the way he fought for this moment. I had no idea that I would think about freedom riders all over the nation that died for this moment. I had no idea that I would think about my children, who may not fully understand, but will live based upon this moment. I had no idea that I would think about my grandmother who had possibly lost hope in the realization of this moment, but who is still alive to be a part of this moment.

I am humbled. I am broken. But not broken in the traditional sense of the word. I am broken of the pessimistic views that I, and so many of us have lived by. I am broken of the feeling that the 'black man' has been, and will always be held down on the basis of his color. I am broken of the negativity that has flowed from my lips in recent months that said 'They'll never let him have it'. I am broken of the acute sense of fear that has clouded my joy, and caused me to discount the magnificence of this moment.

I am not naive, however. I realize that he may not win. I realize that there may be mass disappointment on tomorrow, and in the days ahead. I realize that although we've given a stand-up effort, and though we've prayed earth shattering prayers, God is in control, and His word is law. And sometimes His word doesn't fit our time table. And I am also cognizant of the fact that we have never been closer to anything even remotely resembling the profound truth of this situation.

But Dr. King said "I have been to the mountaintop", and folks, this is a mountaintop experience. This is an out-of-body sensation. This is the dawn of a new day. This is the eve of awakening...

And no matter what happens tomorrow, we stood tall. No matter what happens, we brought the fiyah! No matter what happens, we have seen the future. We have seen the possiblilities. It is not a cliche anymore for us to tell our kids that they can be President of the United States of America. That they can do ANYTHING they want to do. They can see the reality of their wildest dreams.

I am HUMBLED, and AWARE, and ALIVE and AWAKENED!!

I am an American Woman with skin of color, with roots that tie to Africa, and I just cast my vote for an AMERICAN MAN with skin of color, with roots that tie to Africa, that I believe in, for PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA, which contraty to popular belief, HAS ROOTS THAT TIE TO AFRICA!!!!

MAY GOD BLESS OBAMA, KEEP HIM SAFE THIS DAY, AND ALL OTHERS. THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING US THE REALIZATION OF A DREAM, LORD, AND STRENGTHEN US TO UNDERSTAND IT, AND HANDLE IT ACCORDINGLY. AMEN.

LIVE IN THIS MOMENT BLACK PEOPLE, YOU DESERVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The Signs

I hope that people are taking heed to what's going on in the world today. The senseless tragedy involving the Hudson family; the plots to assassinate Senator Obama; the recent shootings at the college; the economic condition of our nation; the senseless war in Iraq; the families that have fallen apart due to infidelity, domestic violence, divorce, murder, sexual abuse...

I could on and on...and that's sad. We are living in the last days, and I pray that people have enough sense to see it. God is no longer playing, he never was. We better be making an effort to get it right, and quickly. Dead beat dads, cheating husbands, unfaithful wives, disobedient children, adulterers, sexual deviants, atheists...everybody!

If you're getting married, you better ask your mate,'do you love God more than me?'
If you're getting divorced, you better ask God, 'is this your will?'
If you're unsure, you better pray for faith and release from doubt
If you're searching, you'd better hurry up and find

Follow the signs...

The Plight of a Mother

I have a 2 1/2 year old son and a 7 year old daughter. My daughter is my love, but my son is my joy. I look at his face, and its impossible not to smile. Now please, don't get it twisted...I adore my daughter. She's brilliant and beautiful, and my first born. My son, however, is the coveted boy. My little man. And yet its hard for me to look at him without tears in my eyes.

Why? Because I am tormented by visions of his future. A future where he bucks the system because he didn't have a father. A future where he finds answers in friends because he didn't have a man to ask questions of. A future where my heart breaks because he doesn't live up to the potential that God poured into him at birth.

I don't say this because I have no hope, or because I believe that all black men fall victim to their circumstances. I say this because I know that as a mother, no matter how much I love my son, no matter what I teach him, I CANNOT TEACH HIM HOW TO BE A MAN. I can only teach him what type of man NOT to be. His father is a joke. Refuses to pay child support, generally only pops up about every 90-120 days, and even then, his reasons are not genuine. No job, still out there trying to street hustle, and way too worried about being flyy to care about the condition of his children. My son can learn nothing from this man.

I try to turn to the men in my congregation, my frat brothers, or my really good male friends, but at the end of the day, everyone has a life of their own that they need to worry about. It's no offense against me, I know, but it doesn't provide me with a solution to my problem. So what do I do? How do I raise this prince to become a King? How do foster in him the skills needed to survive in this world? How do I instill in him the morals and values needed to be the master of his fate? "Out of the night that covers me, black as a pit from pole to pole, I thank whatever gods may be for my unconquerable soul..." How do I make him see the Invictus of his future?

I don't have that answer, and it scares me to death. I've seen my 2 younger brothers fall by the wayside because they didn't have the proper direction. I've seen the little boys in the neighborhood run to what was familiar because no one took the time to show them something different. I've seen drugs, and violence, and despair turn good, honest boys into feared and hardened criminals. I don't want that for my son. I don't want him to grow up bitter, or with a void. I don't want to lose him...

And my daughter? Oh God, I don't want her to grow up looking for a daddy in every man she dated like I did. I don't want her to fall for every guy that even remotely shows her some attention. I don't want her to believe that the way to happiness is through a man. But I can only teach her so much. I don't know how to give her the answers that I'm still learning myself. I made that mistake. I searched for a daddy in every man. I needed a man to feel validated, even if he was the wrong man (and he always was). I'm learning now, but look how long it took me to get here. I don't want that for my baby. I want better for her. I want better for him.

Somebody please tell me what I need to do...

Birth Patterns

Take a moment and consider your birth pattern. What was going on when you were born? What were the circumstances of your birth? How have those circumstances shaped who you are today? Never really thought about it? Well I have...

My mother was a 15 year old daughter of the pastor and the evangelist. My father was the 17 year old son of a lesbian and wife beater. Suffice it to say, my maternal grandparents were none to happy. It was told that my grandmother lifted my mom up by her neck when she told her she was pregnant...I would have had the same reaction.

Long story short, I was not born into a warm, peaceful, or fuzzy environment. As a result, my life hasn't been warm, peaceful, or fuzzy either. Raised by my grandmother, I have always felt left behind. I've been molested, raped, physically abused, domestically abused... and most of that before I reached double digits. I am now divorced, with 2 children, and trying to figure out what the hell happened.

I'll tell you what happened. I spent countless cycles caught up in my birth pattern. Subconsciously, its all that I know. Hurt, Anger, Despair, Distress, Confusion, Violence, Rejection, Alcoholism, Sex, Drugs...its stamped in my DNA. If you think about it, it makes perfect sense. I sought after what was most familiar to me. And now I spend the majority of my time trying to erase those patterns, trying to break the chains that have bound me since BEFORE I took my first breath. Trying to prove the theories and ideologies wrong. And I tell, you, I haven't done a good job.

I wanted so badly to create the family life that I never had. I wanted the picket fence and the shuttered windows. I ended up with an iron gate and broken glass. But there is hope. It is my new mission in life to correct this pattern for my children. They have started out wrong, but I believe I can turn it around for them. I believe I can create a new pattern, and emerse them in it. I believe that although I may not be able to correct the birth pattern that they swam in, I can re-direct the flow of the water.

It's hard being single, and a mother, and the sole provider. It's hard being smart, and opinionated and independent. It's even harder knowing that you need something more, but not knowing what it is exactly or where to begin the search...but I do know that I rode in on a boat with a hole in it, and I've spent my entire life trying to plug the hole.

Wow...