All of my life, I have been a forgiving person. I have looked past, smoothed over, hugged out, and moved beyond the many harms and betrayals that have shaped my life. My heart just has the desire to love and be loved, so I chose to forgive over and over again.

About 3 1/2 years ago, however, that train came to a screeching halt, and I found myself unable to forgive. I found myself unable to let go, or move on. I found myself even unable to pray or seek God because in doing so, I knew I would have to forgive, and I just didn't want to. In the time from then to now, my life has been a constant roller coaster. I've wanted so many times to just jump off and land wherever the wind took me. If it wasn't for my children, I know that I would have.

Forgiveness is the hardest thing in the world to give, and even harder to ask for, especially when you don't feel as if you've done anything wrong. But tonight, I forgave. And I asked for forgiveness. And you know what? I'm still breathing. I'm still alive. I'm none the worse. I actually think I feel better.

You see, holding on to all that anger and hurt, all that resentment and self-doubt, all that shame and blame has been killing me softly. The people around me have no idea the thoughts that go through my mind on a daily basis; the pain that I carry in my heart that I just can't seem to let go; the anger that ripples through my veins leaving clots that won't allow anything else to flow.

Most times, I can hardly put it into words. But I know it's real. I know it's there. My food never really digests because it's there. My laugh never really reaches the bottom of my stomach because it's there. My happiness is never truly genuine because it's there. My smile is completely superficial because it's there. Sometimes, I just wish that they could see it. I just wish that it was tangible, recognizable. Sometimes, I wish I could just kill my insides.

But tonight? I feel better. I think I have made a tremendous first step. By forcing myself to face the source, maybe the healing can really begin. It seems like I've had so much happen in my life that I've needed to heal from, and I wonder when it will end.

Tonight though, for these 30 minutes, for the next 24 hours, for the next 100 breaths I take, I will inhale peace, and exhale confusion, doubt, and anger.

                                                          I release myself.

                             I love myself.

                                                        

I'm not sure if I'm ready to forgive myself or not, but at least I'm ready to try.